By Jade Seashell (contributor),
Author of A Seductress’ Confession: How to leverage beauty and savor tantalizing pleasure
Recently, I received a question from a 33-year-old woman who is worried about her husband’s low testosterone because apparently this has already affected their relationship. In order to protect her privacy, identifiable features of this individual are not included in this article. She has given me written consent so that I can release this Q&A to help more people who may face similar issues.
This is the original letter from A Concerned Wife:
I’m writing to let you know that my husband’s saliva test result shows his testosterone level is too low. In Australia, only one organization in Melbourne can test hormone levels through saliva at the moment, so we have spent a lot of money and are concerned now. Currently, my husband is not assertive, which has made our marriage very dull. I’m not sure how to deal with that. My biggest concern is perhaps he is not able to get me pregnant. Could you please tell me what I should do and whether I can get pregnant if my husband has low testosterone?
—— A Concerned Wife, 33, Brisbane, Australia
Dear A Concerned Wife,
Thanks for this message. Here is my response to your question.
I’d like to get started by addressing your first concern regarding your husband’s lack of assertiveness. There are three types of people in general: aggressive, assertive and submissive. Low testosterone in men can lead to lack of assertiveness because testosterone is an important hormone which plays a key role in developing creativity, assertiveness and drive (including sex drive). Research shows that high achievers usually have higher testosterone than most people because higher testosterone makes a person growth-driven. That being said, it doesn’t mean your husband can’t be a high achiever simply because his current testosterone level is too low. In your marriage, his lack of assertiveness has negatively affected his relationship with you. However, you can change the way you interact with him, so that he has to change how he communicates with you. Let me explain.
First of all, when he is not passive, you immediately give him positive feedback. In psychology, this is called positive reinforcement. This can be something small. For instance, when he takes out the trash, you immediately say, “I like how you took out the trash without me asking. I love when you show more initiative.” Or you can simply say, “Oh, you took out the trash. You are such a manly man because you always show your initiative.” When you say he is a manly man, he will have to match this manly man’s image subconsciously. As a result, gradually he will become a more masculine man.
Secondly, you may try to stop controlling everything in the household. Since you know your husband is not assertive, chances are you have to control most things in your marriage. If this is your pattern, there is no space for him to be the assertive leader. Therefore, you can try to give him some space to be the leader in the relationship. When you are not making decisions for him, he will have to make decisions by himself.
Thirdly, if the above-mentioned strategies don’t work, you have to be direct and talk about this with him in an honest way. You can say, “I know you care about me and our marriage. I appreciate the time we have spent together. In order to make our relationship better, I think it would be more interesting if you take charge in our marriage.” When you say this to him, make sure your voice is gentle, soft and sweet. He is more likely to listen to your advice when your attitude is feminine and caring.
As to your concern regarding whether he can get you pregnant or not, here are my thoughts:
Because low testosterone causes low libido, your husband probably doesn’t initiate sex often. That means if you want to have sex with him, you will need to initiate sex more frequently. Next time when he is in a good mood, you can tell him explicitly that you feel aroused when he acts more dominant in bed. You say this to him, “I have a fantasy that you act very aggressive and you’re the dominant role in bed. Can you turn me on in that way?” If he does that once, you can say, “Wow. I’m so impressed by your power. Please keep doing that to me, Master.”
Your husband would be well-advised to change his diet. Zinc deficiencies oftentimes have a negative impact on testosterone levels, so he should eat more broccoli, asparagus, walnuts, oysters and garlic. These are great sources of zinc. (Yes, oysters are aphrodisiacs, as evidenced by Module 1 of my Irresistible Women’s Academy.) Meanwhile, he will need to eliminate junk food and eat less carbohydrates like pastas, white breads and potatoes. He also needs to drink less alcohol & coffee and shouldn’t smoke cigarettes. A healthy diet also helps him to maintain a healthy weight. A major study shows that overweight men have more fat which increases estrogen levels and lowers testosterone levels in men.
If your husband is doing everything right but he still has low testosterone, then he may want to change his lifestyle and learn how to manage stress. It is reported that cortisol (a stress hormone) reduces sperm count. Hence, your husband would benefit from reducing stress in life and relaxing more if you want to get pregnant.
I can only give you so much information based on what you have told me. If you need medical advice on fertility, please see a doctor for a possible prescription.
Thank you for trusting me and asking me questions. I hope my suggestions have given you some guidance and inspiration. If you have any other questions or concerns, please email me (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I will reply within three business days.
(Jade Seashell is an Australian author and columnist. She is the only relationship expert who gives both mainstream and non-mainstream dating advice in public. When she is not writing, she is traveling the world and developing new strategies for her clients. She regularly writes at www.jadeseashell.com)